My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
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Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.