My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭