My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
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If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
bugs when you lift up a rock
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”