whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button