Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
You Might Also Like
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
A Short Story.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle