Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
You Might Also Like
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.