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Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
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girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
and this one
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.