whenever i wake up before my alarm
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi