Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Comparing yourself to others
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I love it all
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out