Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
me as a parent
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
We’ve come full circle
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.