It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
saving face 👀
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff