My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble