I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
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me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.