I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
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Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”