I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall