[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
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When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.