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“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
felt that
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.