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My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure