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a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors