Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
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Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Holy crap this is wonderful
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
He’s dead
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles