God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
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“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.