*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.