me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.