[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
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This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince