meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
You Might Also Like
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo