Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
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Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?