10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
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If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.