wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
house sitting!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me checking my bank balance online.