Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.