Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
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I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Botany good plants lately?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
his wife is probably gonna see that
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.