Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
You Might Also Like
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”