serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Sing it!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I am a gravy boat captain
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”