“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
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If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”