I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.