I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
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Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*