My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Sorry. Not sorry
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?