One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
You Might Also Like
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
#Caturday
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.