[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.