I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.