I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit