I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.