Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.