It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
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me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.