If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
everyone’s a critic
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”