Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.