Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
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Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday