the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person