maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
We’ve all been there…
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats