It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
The only equipped I am is ill.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”