It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
The days of good grammer has went
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia