I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Autocorrect is my menesis
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
any last words?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name