I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )